1. Service Desk: "Do you see the button on the right side of your mouse?"
   Customer: "No. There's just a telephone and a printer".

2. A large service desk once received a fax with a pre-page asking for it to be faxed back when finished with, because they needed to keep a copy.

3. Customer: "Do I need a computer to run your software?"

4. A major ISP recently told us that their finance department occasionally receive cheques made payable to "The Internet"

5. Service Desk: "What appears to be the problem?"
   Customer: "When I change the font sizes, the letters all change size."

6. The six phases of an ITIL implementation (adapted):
   Enthusiasm
   Disillusionment
   Panic
   Search for the guilty
   Punishment of the innocent
   Praise for the non-participants

7. What did the small change say to the large change? "I don't need a ticket - I'll will sneak in with you."

8. Finally, a VERY old one: To complete 80% of a project takes 80% of the time. The other 20% takes the other 80% of the time.

What did the small change say to the big change?
“I don’t need a ticket. I will slip in behind you.”

The #1 cause of IT problems are IT solutions.

I guess we just never made the organizations large and complex enough for ITIL to work!

by Larry Cooper.

ITIL is a joke. It's what happens when you let accountants try and run IT.

She said: married women don’t change their name these days
He said: yeah … they don’t like to follow process
She said: the article said, most people don’t want to go through the paperwork
He said: really, filing a change request at work is more complicated than that.

iTill will be the new brand name.
ITIL Lite will be known as iPot.
Samsung will announce they have been owners of COBIT and it is far way better.

ITIL version "C.Norris" would never have any updates. Chuck would have gotten it right the first time…
[Plenty more Chuck Norris ITIL jokes where this came from!}

The Customer: "What hours is the service desk open?"
The Service Desk: "24 hours a day, 7 days a week"
The Customer: "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

For every action, there is an equal opposite malfunction.

He said: I got two tickets for the show. It starts in 45 minutes.
She said: Fantastic. Let me go change.
He said: Honey, we don’t have time
She said: I am not requesting, but informing
He sighed: just like at work

She said: Bob and Joan are struggling to potty train Jack
He said: they should send him to the ITIL class
She said: why?
He said: it is all about release management

"How many ITIL certified professionals would one need to change a light bulb & how would they engage with that..." Source: Trevor Hardy

• The first place to look for ITIL information is in the volume you least expect to find it.

service desk talking with change management
“hey, I heard we are being federated,” sd
“and what does that mean,” cm
“we will need to communicate to each other,” sd
“as if we don’t do enough of that,” cm
“honey, communicate is different than talk,” sd
“how so,” cm
'we will need to re-concile our differences,” sd
“you met the marriage counsellor, didn’t you,” cm
“yes i did, but he is now an ITIL consultant,” sd

Two changes standing in a long line
“Man, this will take for ever”
“I told my boss, I will be in by end of the week”
“may be your boss should declare an emergency”

Baby Server said to Mr. Change, “I don’t know you”
“That’s because I am un-authorized”, replied Mr. Change
“My parents asked me not to talk to strangers”, said Baby Server
“I will take you where you have never gone before”, replied Mr. Change
“I will be scolded if my parents find out”, said Baby Server
“They will never find out, I will change my name to your uncle — Mr. Admin”, replied Mr. Change

He: what’s for dinner?
She: how about something from the ITIL cookbook?
He: there should be about 50 people
She: i would recommend the Pink Elephant

He: you got another ticket?
She: no way
He: see they sent a snapshot of the back of your car with your license plate, jumping the red light, from those camera
She: honey, what day was that
He: it says last tuesday
She: hmm… you were towing my car that day. Snapshots never tell the true

She: why are you always talking about change management?
He: because it is so difficult
She: well I bought you something which can solve the problem
He: what is it?
She: surprise

She Said: what comes after birth control?
He said: change control
She frowned: Wrong. Babies you idiot.
He said: are you pregnant?
She said: I thought an ITIL guru would know “unfreeze, change, freeze“

“Because they were in pain”

IT'LL be fixed in version 3 .... eh .... 4

1) Sample Exam Question: What is the objective of Incident management?

• to annoy and irritate users
• to identify difficult users so that the organisation can subsequently bring them into line
• to provide a focal point to complain about the appalling service levels we provide
• to restore normal operations as quickly as possible with the least possible impact on either the business or the user.

This was part of a survey of ITSM personnel in a large enterprise. Almost 10% of respondents failed to select the last option: and it wasn't an anonymous survey!

Service and Help Desk Incidents:

The Service Desk: "Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter E as in Echo, and the number 9".
The Customer: "Is that 9 in capital letters?"

The Customer: "My computer says Press Any Key To Continue."
The Service Desk: "And...."
The Customer: "There is no 'Any' key on my keyboard."

The Service Desk: "Is the cursor still there?"
The Customer: "No, I am alone at the moment."

The Customer: "What hours is the service desk open?"
The Service Desk: "24 hours a day, 7 days a week"
The Customer: "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"